If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
