im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
home. puking in laundry basket.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
