if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
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we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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