New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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