How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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