The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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