im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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