I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
