i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My feet surprised me
Randomize
