I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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