Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
