he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
