i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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