4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I hate your face
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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