Already got asked if we're dating
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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