my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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