Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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