I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have feelings that need drinking.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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