I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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