I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
