just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Less talking, more tequila
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
