So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
