The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
