Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
