I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
