I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
