Non-Jews are for practice
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
barbara walters just said penis...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
