made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's rum buckets o'clock
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
