literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
