me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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