moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
