I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
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she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
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Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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