her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
