he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
