You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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