my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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