Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
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I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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