On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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