I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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