I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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