Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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