The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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