life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
