The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
