What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
