Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
