i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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