she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
