you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
