My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
