my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
