3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
