i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
